Why I Keep Searching Outside Myself

I realized something today and I don't want to forget it.

This is the third time I've caught myself searching for something outside of me.

I think about psychology all the time. I read, I watch, I try to figure myself out through other people's ideas. And today it hit me... what if all that searching is the reason I'm not looking inward?

The video that made me exhale

I watched Joe Hudson talk about how nothing outside of us can make us feel complete, and how shame and fear show up when we deal with the world, pointing at parts of ourselves we can't see or accept.

I'm not sure I understood all of it. But something felt familiar, and then I felt relief. My body actually relaxed, like it was saying "oh, so THIS is what's been happening."

The part I keep looking away from

Maybe I don't see myself as a whole person. Maybe there are parts of me I keep avoiding. I don't know what they are, and I don't know if I'm ashamed of them. I just suspect shame is part of it.

And I think I've been torturing myself, trying to find something, understand something, become something, without noticing I might be skipping who I already am.

What I'm taking from it

• I don't have to become someone else to feel complete
• I just have to get a little more willing to see who I already am
• And this can't turn into another project where I fix myself

I'll probably forget this tomorrow and go back to searching. That's why I'm writing it down.

So tell me, what's one part of yourself you keep looking away from?